As It Is or As I Am – the Art of Becoming

A journey … towards … being

Ready or not … here I come

Well, I’ve not made an entry here for several months now. I wonder if there has been some avoidance? In early October did another goldfish bowl at BCUC. It was very much a make or break situation. Either I would be approved by the community and tutors or not. If not, then the only option was to leave the course. I say leave, but really asked to leave or thrown off in reality. After I completed the goldfish session, the community appeared to be divided. Of those that spoke, half were for me to go out and see clients, while half were not. The tutors also went with the not ready side. So where and how did that leave me? The reason given for not being ready was that I “was not there enough”, or “not present enough” with the client, having no relational depth. This I did not agree with. The client herself was very happy with the session and thought that I should be allowed to go out and see clients. With the client feeling OK about things, this left me feeling very confused. Surely the person there with me should be able to determine if I was present with her or not? I did not say too much then. As this was about half way though the usual course day I then left for home. I met up with another student who had also been rejected earlier in day. She seemed very surprised I had not been accepted.

So the question running through me, both feelings and mind, am I ready or not? I sat with this for several days. Spoke to my counsellor concerning everything. Spewed out a lot of anger. Firstly toward the tutor, then toward myself for not being “good enough”, then back to the tutor. Kind of see-sawed these feelings for a while, both with the counsellor and when on my own. Slowly though as the days passed came to feel that I was indeed ready. We had been taught again and again to go with what we were feeling. I felt ready.

So I approached the youth agency where I had been volunteering as receptionist for over 8 months. I explained the situation, that I had been thought not ready by the tutor and half the community but that I felt ready. They said to start, so start I have. This is not the place to discuss clients, that stays with my supervisor. I’ll just say, so far I’ve had sessions with one young man, who has come back repeatedly for 6 sessions so far. He seems OK with me. I’ve also had another client who was 20 minutes late for his first session and who did not return the following week. In the scheme of things this is early days. So again the question, am I ready or not? Yes, I still feel ready, though there is a whole world to learn, develop and grow with.

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